Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Notes Against Chasing While Dating
Oh, for the love of a good fantasy. To have someone appear in your life, fall in love with you nearly instantly, and then do everything in their power to be with you. You don't have to lift a finger, plan anything, think about anything. It's all on them, and you get to be the prize.
What a load of bullshit! And seriously, how many of you actually would be happy with a situation like this? Trust a situation like this?
But oh, that fantasy is good, isn't it? So, good you're willing to let it trump reality. Steam roll right over the more equal, less "romantic," but much more right connection right in front of you.
The way I see it, there's a difference between making an effort to demonstrate your interest and chasing. Chasing is always a one way street. One person is expected to prove something to the other person before anything will go further. Which is very different from a mutual effort where both parties do something, say something, or otherwise express something that shows an interest in the other.
While both men and women thrive on this kind of fantasy, I feel it's more common amongst women because of the old socialization patterns we are all bumping up against these days. There's still a sense that it's sexy for a man to keep calling, keep writing, keep pressing for dates, keep doing all the work, all the while tossing sweet comments in the woman's directions. It's tied in with the whole financial set of expectations around men paying for dates to express their interest and level of potential commitment.
However, some of this is changing, and for men, employing THE CHASE is a mixed bag tactic. When I was younger, I employed a level of chasing towards a few women I was interested in. And honestly, it was mostly a flop. In fact, one got downright irritated at the extra attention I was offering, and basically stopped talking to me. It's really difficult to not look like a stalker in such cases, if someone either isn't sure they are interested in you, or doesn't like to be pressured.
And that gets to another point: I don't like to be pressured, and I don't like it when someone seems to be trying to sell me something. And that's what chasing feels like. You're upping the attention towards someone too much, and the quality of that attention feels like the guy at Best Buy trying to sell you a high end television.
Once I realized all of this, I simply stopped. No more chasing. If I show some interest, and put in my share of effort and there's no response from the woman in question, I move on. End of story. If someone is naturally shy, I might put a little more time and effort in, but at some point, there has to be some kind of positive response. And frankly, if someone wants to run me through a bunch of hoops, she's probably not right for me anyway.
That's my take. What about you?