Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Avoiding and Overthinking in Relationships


My first long term relationship probably should have been over in a few months. Six months in, I was quite clear that we were a poor match, and even made some weak attempts to end it. However, I didn't want to be alone, and I also wanted to "give it a chance." Of course, I was also avoiding all the ways in which our lives were really different. How our life goals were on quite different pages. Our interests often didn't match up. How we frequently ran out of things to talk about. Even though things never really got any better, we stayed together over three years.

With another long term girlfriend, instead of breaking up with me fully, she asked for a month apart so she could "think about things." That seemed reasonable enough to me, and I wanted to give it one last shot myself, even though the previous several months had been fairly miserable. Then that month stretched into two, three, four, five months, with all of my attempts to meet her to have a conversation rebuffed. Finally, I just gave up, and moved on. I found out later that she had moved on long before I did, but for whatever reason, decided to keep answering my requests to meet with "I'm not ready to see you yet," instead of just telling me she was seeing someone else.

I often write about how in a rush folks seem to be these days when it comes to dating. However, the opposite can also be true. Over-thinking. Avoiding facing deep pockets of incompatibility because you're attracted to someone, don't want to hurt their feelings, or are simply afraid to be alone.

I'm all for thoughtfulness and spending the time needed to suss out what you really want and how you want to move forward. However, there comes a time when that place becomes like a cave you go to hide in. A protective zone from all the possible consequences you can imagine. Consequences from leaving someone. Consequences from staying with someone. And eventually, the consequences that come from waiting too long to make a decision.

How about you? Are you someone who over-thinks your relationships? Do you sit on the fence for weeks and months on end, wondering about the many what ifs? Have you dated people like this?

23 comments:

  1. I've totally dated over-thinkers! I've been in relationship where as far as I knew we were both totally happy, compatible, wanted the same things in life, had the same values, and effectively resolved conflict...but still the other party dragged his feet and refused to commit or move the relationship forward. From our talks it seemed like he had been burned by an ex-girlfriend and was now protecting himself. I felt that this wasn't fair to me because I wasn't the one that hurt him.

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  2. I had a girlfriend for 3 years and I knew weren't a match.It was my first long relationship and she was a great person. So I let it go on longer than I should have even though I wasn't in love with her. Maybe due to fear of being alone or fear of hurting her, I didnt end it as quickly as I should have.

    I dont think of her "as the one that got away" but I still wonder how her life turned out. There I go over thinking it again!

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  3. "From our talks it seemed like he had been burned by an ex-girlfriend and was now protecting himself." Yeah, this is a difficult issue. If someone hasn't dealt with the issues of the previous relationship sufficiently, then it's unlikely they'll be able to move forward in the current relationship.

    Anonymous 2 - I also wonder about a few exes that I don't have any contact with anymore. Even though I have no romantic interest anymore. It's pretty normal if someone was an important part of your life for awhile.

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    2. You surround yourself with a lot of ifs, and you
      start doubting
      yourself. When you over think you become hyper and irritable.

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  14. Am Kate Wilson from united States This is a testimony that I will tell to every one to hear. I have been married four 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the 2kids and we have suffered for 3years until I met a post where this man Dr ATIAFO have helped someone and I decided to give him a try to help me bring my lover back home and believe me I just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me, I saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why I am happy to make every one of you in similar to met with this man and have your lover back to your self. His email: atitafospelltemple@yahoo.com .or call +2347067607073.

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  18. My son once had the problem of HIV/AID which affected his Education for years,i gave him different medication but there was no solution,i search the net and i found the contact of a doctor called DR UKO, who help me with his MEDICATION on curing HIV/AIDS, CANCER< HERPES, HEP B, zika epilepsy problem and other deadly diseases,he also assured me that it is a permanent cure,my son took the medication for just 1 weeks and he was back to normal. for two years now he has been doing fine.I give all thanks to Dr UKO for helping me out of such problem now am the happiest person on earth for seeing my son doing better again.you can also contact him on ukospelltemple@yahoo.com you can also call on +2347064650019 or whatsapp him +2347064650019

    ReplyDelete
  19. My son once had the problem of HIV/AID which affected his Education for years,i gave him different medication but there was no solution,i search the net and i found the contact of a doctor called DR UKO, who help me with his MEDICATION on curing HIV/AIDS, CANCER< HERPES, HEP B, zika epilepsy problem and other deadly diseases,he also assured me that it is a permanent cure,my son took the medication for just 1 weeks and he was back to normal. for two years now he has been doing fine.I give all thanks to Dr UKO for helping me out of such problem now am the happiest person on earth for seeing my son doing better again.you can also contact him on ukospelltemple@yahoo.com you can also call on +2347064650019 or whatsapp him +2347064650019

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