Thursday, May 10, 2012

Dynamic Love Affairs


In the past, I would frequently override signs that indicated coming discord or simply a bad match because of one or more of those qualities. I'd notice dysfunctional behavior, but think "oh, but she loves to do the same things as me." Or I'd see that she was responding erratically to my calls or e-mails to get together again, and I'd rationalize that she was busy, or that things were just "moving slowly."

Why did I do this? A few reasons. Being a guy who wanted something that lasts, I would keep trying with women who might just possibly stick around, thinking that persistence would pay off in the long run. Secondly, I didn't have the confidence and self worth needed to be content on my own. When I think back on my 20s and early 30s, I was either in a relationship of some sort, or looking for one. And finally, although I wanted commitment, I was also afraid of it.

Combined, these three elements consistently drew me to women who were either had lukewarm interest, or who, for one reason or another, emotional unavailable. Which really shouldn't be a surprise.

There were also periods of time when I was alone, and miserable. It's hard to love yourself when you are always looking for someone else to appear in your life and love you.

Hope was another thing that plagued me. In fact, hope was probably the biggest reason behind my frequent overriding of red flags. Politicians often play on the hopes of the people they end up supposedly representing. Marketers play on the hopes of the populace as well, saying that whatever product they are selling will cure all our ills and make us happy. And while there are also a small percentage of people who deliberately play on others' hopes in the dating world, more often than not, we let our own hope stories play each of us. The person we are dating might spark the story to surface again, but he or she is simply today's version of the leading role, the current star of the love narrative we can't seem to shake.

I started this blog in part to help inspire people to pay closer attention to their experiences, to unearth the lies they have told themselves, and to become better daters who eventually find great partners. However, in the end, as much as it's about that, it's also about learning to love being yourself completely. Because you are always partnered with yourself, so why not make that the dynamic love affair from which all other love affairs spring.

4 comments:

  1. "...saying that whatever product they are selling will cure all our ills and make us happy."

    A great word for this is 'panacea'.

    "...it's also about learning to love being yourself completely."

    The individuals that understand the concept of loving oneself before loving another are the only people that will ever know how to make the dating saga work in their favour. That's because loving oneself does not only mean not putting up with disrespectful people; but it also means accepting one's own shortcomings rather than projecting them on others.

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  2. "That's because loving oneself does not only mean not putting up with disrespectful people; but it also means accepting one's own shortcomings rather than projecting them on others."

    Both excellent points. It really does have to be an inside-out job - love that is.

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