Sunday, April 8, 2012
I think a lot of us are lost out there when it comes to relationships. Some of us recognize the serious limitations of how relationships were constructed in the past, but don't know how to proceed. Others are still stuck in the old paradigm, and wonder why they feel miserable. And still others can't figure out how to reconcile independence with interdependence. Which I actually think is the biggest challenge for everyone.
Why do I mean by that? Well, on the one hand, it's really important to be your whole self in a relationship. To be able to be exactly who you are, and to have the freedom to grow and expand as your life goes on.
On the other hand, a real relationship is interdependent. You are not two isolated people spending time together. You love each other. Feed each other. Influence each other. Take risks together. Are open wide with each other.
These two points seem like opposites in out minds. In fact, much of the time, our brains can't reconcile them, and we feel like we have to choose.
You start getting too close with your partner, and you pull back. Fears of losing your independence take over, and intimacy is shut down and buried like trash under the ground.
Or you get in really close with your partner, feeling the amazing feeling that comes with love, but forget who you are, your needs, and everything else.
In order to truly live a conscious relationship, we must learn how to hold independence and interdependence at the same time. And to do that, we must learn how to be ok with making mistakes. With going too far in either direction sometimes and recognizing that this doesn't mean our relationship is doomed necessarily.