Monday, March 12, 2012
Confidence. In the dating world, it's one of the gold standards. Simply put, confident people are attractive. Sexy even.
However, it's fine line between confidence and arrogance. And furthermore, for those who are attached to how others view them, it doesn't take much to be thrown off into doubt and timidness.
People have told me before that I am a confident person, and to some degree, that's true. In recent years, I have been more direct and clear in my intimate relationships. For a good decade, I stood before classes of learners everyday and usually could talk or direct things so that learning occurred. In addition, I have been a leader in multiple non-profit communities, and have done a lot of social activist work, including lobbying legislative leaders.
At the same time, I have learned that such confidence can be fragile. Perhaps you have heard the kind of voices I sometimes hear. Like "You're not good enough" or "It will be really bad if you fail." Or maybe you're saying these things to yourself, but don't even hear it.
Whether you are still single and looking, or are in a relationship, it's important to pay attention to what you are telling yourself. Especially when you feel afraid, confused, or angry.
Simply developing an ability to hear undercutting self-talk lessens its power over you. Even if you still sometimes believe you aren't good enough, or that whatever mistake you made renders you a failure - just bringing those stories into a conscious place is a major step.
I think a lot of us have this idea that confident people rarely feel afraid, upset, or confused. That they sail through dates without worry, and have little trouble when they are in intimate relationships.
But all of that is simply a story. You don't have to be superhuman to be confident.
Just learn to see negative self talk for what it is: a story that doesn't serve you.