Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Are You Depressed Because You Can't Find Love?



Depression seems to be a hot topic on dating and relationship blogs right now. No doubt the coming winter and the lack of light in the Northern Hemisphere, where all the blogs I currently follow are from, plays a roll in this. Having had my share of minor depression, especially of the seasonal variety, I know all too well how easy it can be to get down about being alone. Even when you have an otherwise good life.

The first thing to realize is that being without a partner is not a character defect. Single folks in many societies have long been demonized for various reasons, but the fact is that there's absolutely nothing wrong with being single. In fact, I'd argue that sometimes our lives paths are such that it's absolutely right to be single for awhile.

For those of you struggling with being ok by yourself, perhaps this simple meditation practice will help.

Take a comfortable seat and close your eyes. Let your awareness move to your heart center, and feel whatever it is that is present. It might be a specific feeling, like happiness or sadness. Or maybe it's some less defined energy - a flow or a tension. Occasionally, I seem to feel nothing at all when I do this, and that's fine as well. Whatever is there, just let it be.

After a few minutes, begin to slowly say the following phrases to yourself. You can say them silently or out loud. Either way is fine.

May I be happy.
May I be healthy.
May I love and be loved.
May I be free from suffering.

You can repeat these as often as you want. Or just say each once and then sit quietly for 5-10 minutes before moving on with your day. Sometimes, I'll do a little journaling if something specific that seems important came up during this process. Like a distinct memory that I want to reflect upon more.

One important thing about practices like this is to just do them, and not fixate on any particular outcome or goal.

I recall one particularly difficult period, following a break up, where I did this meditation amongst other practices nearly every days for months. I doubt that this practice alone allowed me to heal and move on, but it likely helped, and regardless, it gave me something tangible to do in the face of depression and sadness.

Your thoughts? What have you done when you have felt depressed about being single?

28 comments:

  1. You're absolutely right. I love being on my own. Apparently I'm not the only one, because I've had multiple girlfriends warn me not to extend my non-dating periods for too long, because, in their words, "you will get addicted to being single".

    Then again, it's easier for me (and my girlfriends) than it is for someone our age who's never been married, because, you're correct again, society does place a stigma on single people, and pressure its members to couple up. I am in a position where I can pretty much tell the society to shut up and leave me alone, and it will - I was married nineteen years, I've done my time etc etc.

    After my last breakup, the guy put his profile up and started dating right away. His choice. I took five months off and had the time of my life - spent time with my kids and dog, went on hikes, traveled to visit friends, pursued my hobbies, in other words took it easy. While I think that both dating and being in a relationship are a lot of fun, they're both also a great deal of work. Sometimes one needs a vacation!

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  2. I think its a good idea to have a clear-out period in between relationships. One it shows maturity; two it is respectful to the next person as you are less likely to be carrying baggage and thirdly, I guess there is always some residual cleaning up to do/goodbyes to be said etc.

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  3. it does hurt very much when you don't have a love life, especially that i was married at one time and my wife was the one that cheated on me. i am a straight man and with most of the women now being such low life losers, it is really hard to meet a real honest decent one again for me. i seem to meet the nastiest women now that have a very bad attitude problem, and are so difficult to start a conversation with.

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    1. I highly advise you to visit oversea like Europe..Over there, those women have no standards..and would love to meet you regardless of your appearance.

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  4. I've been single almost 10 years. I'm worthless. I hate myself every day for being worthless. There is not a good life out there for everyone.

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  5. Studies show that using coke is the same in the brain as falling in love. So, you could just use coke if you are incredibly heart broken, depressed, and lonely. You will feel energized, positive, and happy almost immediately.
    Coke is not sustainable. It always leads to using too much. But it is certainly a better option than suicide if you are feeling that hopeless.

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    1. This is absolutely terrible advice.

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  6. I don't know what to do. I've had relationships very few at that I'm not that good looking I'm above average smart have the income to provide and make her happy I would never even raise my voice I would just show my love I have way above average penis I'm in good shape but any girl I talk to just friend zones me. Or with girls I just meet and asked on a date they say I'm dull because of childhood life I show almost no emotion to new people. But when we get close I show my true colors I can make them laugh and smile but by then they friendzone me. My standards arnt high I don't really care about appearance but like everyone there's a limit. I just want to hold and be held by that special person be there for them do what ever it takes to make them happy. I'm sad really the only thing I can do to deal with being alone is watching romance animes don't get me wrong I'm 20 in the marine corps strong and confident in my abilities but I find comfort in Anime when I sit there in my apartment alone I watch it it makes me its the only thing that's been there for me since I was a little kid. Everything in short I just want to walk into the future holding hands with the women I love I would trade everything for it

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  7. lets face it, many women are certainly a tease today the way i look at it. there are many of us men that are seriously looking to meet a good woman, and share a life together. i blame the women because they really do play very hard too get, and i am at that age that hates going out all the time by myself and not meeting that special one. i will certainly admit that i am very depressed, especially looking at so many other couples that are together and have their life complete. i feel as if God is punishing me, and i do not know why. since God did create men and women, it is very obvious to me as a straight man that i would love to have a life with a woman to make my life complete too.

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    1. I'm thinking of becoming a "tease" someday because that's what a lot of guys go for--"hot" women because they know how to tease and in fact they do a very a good job at it.

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  8. All you guys blaming women should really blame yourselves. If you judge women as evil, diabolical creatures then what will you end up with? Honestly you need to take a a look at yourselves and see what the hell is wrong with you. Men today don't know what courtship is and how to treat a women. Maybe if some of you would stop being such prideful douche-bags, you would find a decent women. Women are tired of taking shit from men so we turn into the so-called bitches you constantly complain about. It's all history man...man have been dominating women for centuries and we are certainly fed up.

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    1. Women now are evil, cheaters, gold diggers, have terrible attitudes, require men to meet their high standards, teasers, players and nasty!!!

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    2. HA! ive done nothing but treat women with respect but its funny to me the favor has never been returned. ive had enough girls friends treat me the same crappy way. its hard to look and see what your doing wrong when everyone sees what they do and ask you whats going on. Its been such a repeating pattern that it feels like watching a rerun. I know how a girl is going to screw me over before they do. They really are all the same. And don't argue ladies, your argument is just a defense mechanism "guys made us this way" bullshit! Teen Mom, The Real World, Real Housewives and all the other crap you picked up as little princesses.

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    4. So true, honestly, I can't say it any better. I'm beginning to put up with their shit too and I'm not like your typical "bitchy" girl. I'm gonna be going through a transformation someday, from dandere...to thugdere. I'm like the female version of "nice guy" gone "badass".

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    5. first of all there are so many low life loser women out there now to begin with, especially when they have to CURSE at us men when we will try to start a conversation with the one that we would really like to meet. we can't blame ourselves guys at all since many women are SUCH LOSERS TODAY, so hang in there.

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    6. everybody has a problem man and women. they both have their issues they need to fix. there

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    7. Well if many of you women weren't so Stuck Up and mean, we just might be able to meet a Decent one for a change.

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  9. I came to this site to find information and or clues to help me on my quest on finding love not to be told being single is ok because I find it is not if I was fine with it I would become a priest or some thing like that I see all the couples tougher and I ask myself why not me what am I doing wrong how can I fix me I so not think meditation can help you in the long term and not fixate on any particular outcome or goal how will that help me my depression is there and can play a role in me getting out in the world this site seem to be hippie bull shit

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  10. It depends on the man really.you may think that you're so good but honestly how good can you be when you are bitching about women. If you deserved to be treated better then you would, obviously you weren't worth it so get over yourselves and stop self pitying maybe that's why they disrespected your asses because you're not real men.

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  11. Its really hard to meet someone these days. I've been single for quite a while and I really want to be with someone. But it seems these days guys just want to hook up...

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  12. with so many Gay Women nowadays, it is very hard meeting a good one for many of us straight men today.

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  13. Women do nothing, but break fucking hearts!!!!

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  14. I find most people who say, "being single is cool." "Being single is the best!" Are usually the ones who have HAD a relationship before. Some of us have never experienced a relationship before. Dating for me has always been: Two friends get together for lunch, chat about the weather for a half-hour, go home with food poisoning, and do it again with another friend next week.

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    1. Few years ago I thought I found the right guy, but he ignored my love confession and went on dating other girls till he finally found a girl who he now calls "the one". It's not logical, not logical. But there were so many signals telling me that he is my mr. right. Sometimes I think God is just playing with me or punishing me for something. It's really unfair to see all these happy couples with their kids. I am 32. Many of my friends are happily married with kids. I hate this life!

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  15. Men also break hearts, to the extent that you need to seek professional medical help. I've been seeing a shrink for 2 years now and feel a bit better, but the heart once broken can't heal so easily, it takes many years...

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  16. Single why? I have the most problem with finding and keeping a man. Like why? I'm a 22 year old educuated single mom. I'm not like today's young ladies I have a job and my own place.but what I'm trying to say is I have my life together at a very young age and the only thing missing is a relationship. I been with a guy for 5+ years and he get married on me and on top of that I was talking to another guy starting to fall head over hills in love with him and come to find out hes engaged. Km just so clueless its stating to make me very depress

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