Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Here's a post on a subject I tend to flunk unless I just let it happen naturally.

Patty Contenta knows a thing or two about flirting. In fact, she is probably the Queen of Flirting and even if you think you are an expert when it comes to men and flirting with them, you may just learn something new from Patty.

After you listen to Patty talking about flirting it makes you realize how positive and life affirming it really can be. If you think flirting is about luring and entrapment. Forget it. The way Patty deals with flirting it is just another tool a for being noticed. Nothing sleazy. Gentle flirting, as opposed to overt flaunting is a good thing.

So, I can imagine that this kind of approach of cultivating flirting skills, and then learning when to employ them, works for some folks. I like the positive, life affirming focus presented here as well.

But this just isn't what works for me. If I like someone, the demonstration of that just has to happen on it's own time. Place a limited time frame around me and I'm screwed. Which tends to mean that women who have wanted the deal sealed on a first date usually disappears from my life.

Overall, I need to get to know someone a little bit before I'm naturally touching, being playful, and/or doing light teasing.

Even if there is attraction really early on, I still tend to take my time. Although I sometimes would do well to move a bit faster, I think moving slower is a good approach for anyone looking for a long term, committed relationship. Why?

1. You'll have a better sense of your date's boundaries if you move slower.

2. Any joking or teasing you do would be less risky because you know more about your date. (A poorly timed joke or light tease on the wrong subject can sometimes kill a first or second date.)

3. With more trust developed, it's simply easier to be elevate the level of intimacy.

What I just wrote might seem logical, but probably flies in the face of much of the advice being given out there. There's so much emphasis these days on moving quickly, and learning skills and approaches designed to make you quickly and easily stand out from the crowd. Which to me just plays into the high pressured, consumer-like atmosphere of modern dating, something I'm trying - in my own little ways - to counteract.

How's flirting work for you? And what do you struggle with?


  1. It works for me, but to me it comes naturally. When I stop to think of it, it seems that I flirt with everybody and everybody flirts with me, in a very subtle way of course - I mean everyone - the upper management, the guy I'm buying a cemetery plot from... nothing heavy, but the vibes are there. I guess that is how a lot of people like to socialize. So, I don't associate flirting with high pressure or trying to move fast, or the lack of it with moving slowly - to me, those are two different things.

    I think a date should first of all be fun for both people involved. If you can achieve that level of fun with flirting, go for it. If not, try what works better for you, because forced flirting will probably look and feel horrible to the other person. Guess I believe in being yourself on a date, whatever that may mean.

  2. Flirting? I don't think I've ever done it, and certainly not successfully! Way too awkward. So I guess, 'what I struggle with" is "flirting". I also struggle with identifying when someone is flirting with me (although I think when they initiate and I do spot it, I find it easier to do it back). Basically, flirting is just a big impenetrable fog to me.

    If flirting has happened naturally, then I haven't been aware I'm doing it, or else the other person started it and I followed their lead.

  3. I love to flirt, like Goldie, I think it's a natural part of my communication style. However, when I was in college, I didn't really have a grasp on intensity element and would find myself in situations of miscommunication--guy thought I was into him, when really I just was very thankful for the productive brainstorming session about the upcoming history paper.
    A boyfriend once cited the way I look at people as a huge problem..."you gave the person the eyes!" he said hurt.
    "I did not have any unfaithful intentions", I replied.

    Now I would say I am more aware of such things and have become more careful with how I communicate, especially professionally. With great power, comes great responsibility?

  4. flirting is fun and easy with people I'm not interested in... with men I fancy, I become tongue-tied and wooden!

  5. flirting is so important in communication between partners.
    I love to flirt with women :)

  6. It's a very common and natural thing. Some women likes this thing..

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