Men don’t value something if it comes too easily.
If you sleep with us on Date 1, that’s a pretty strong indicator that you’ve slept with plenty of other people on Date 1. And most men don’t like to think of their future wives as “easy”, even though, intellectually, we can acknowledge that there’s nothing wrong with a woman who enjoys sex for sex’s sake.
Basically, men like a challenge – to pursue you, to win you over, to charm you, to work our way around the bases and accomplish what few men have accomplished before. And the more you slow us down and give us the opportunity to get to know you platonically, the more reasons we’ll discover that we want you to be our girlfriend.
If you sleep with me on Date 1, I’ve climbed the mountain too fast and haven’t discovered what makes you amazing personally. The thrill of the chase is gone.
I’m not talking about whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. I’m saying that it’s real and that your best bet to a relationship is to delay sex. If you can handle sleeping with perfect strangers and hoping it works out, go ahead. No judgment here.
This is a quote from Evan Marc Katz, whose comments and posts I tend to like. This particular comment, though, doesn't fly with me.
Here is what I wrote in response.
Oh man, I’m so on a different wavelength than Evan on this. Which is good because it offers the women here another male take to complicate things :)
First off, the the longest relationship I have been in included sex on the third date. It really never crossed my mind that she was “easy” or that she was someone who “slept” around. What happened happened naturally. There wasn’t any excessive flirting or enticing going on on either end because neither of us were like that.
Second, I despise chasing and pursuing. Absolutely despise it. Perhaps it works well for some men and women, but I also find that for a lot of others, it seems to be a series of games and push-pull challenges that create a lot of frustration if things don’t work out.
Third, if I start seeing someone (i.e. it’s gone beyond a few dates), I tend to stop looking at other “options.” In other words, even if we haven’t decided yet that we’re going to be exclusive, I treat it as exclusive so that I can get a clearer picture of who she is. This is probably not something many people do these days, given how much date juggling seems to go on. But I find it a hell of a lot easier, and I guess more respectful in my mind, to focus on one woman if we’ve made it past the intro. stage.
Now, with all that said, I actually have mostly chosen to delay sex beyond the first few dates. Not because I think it’s wrong, but because it just hasn’t felt right for me. And I also don’t find that I have enough of a connection after a single date, or even two usually, to even consider becoming that intimate with a woman. The few times I have rushed in were in situations where both of us basically weren’t in a position to have a committed relationship – i.e. were on the rebound and a bit desperate. However, with the Ex I mentioned above, we both commented on how it felt early to being sleeping together, but at the same time, it felt right.
I do think a lot of this comes down to intentions though. Evan and I might differ on approach to some degree, but we both have had the intent of finding a woman to stay with, grow with, develop a life together with. If you have that kind of intention driving you, then you’ll probably treat sex differently, regardless of when it ends up happening.
I want to expand a bit on the "chasing and pursuing" portion of the comment. What I mean by that mostly is the playing hard to get kind of nonsense that some women pull, partly because it's "fun" for them, partly because it's a power play, and partly to fulfill this story that men "need" the thrill of the chase. I also reject the idea that I am supposed to, as a man, "woo" a woman with gifts, dinners, and whatever else. And finally, if I need to "charm you" and "win you over," perhaps we aren't a good match in the first place.
With that said, I'd like to think that some of the elements of the above might occur more naturally during the dating process. That who I am, and how I naturally act and care for others, for example, will be charming and "a winner" in a woman's eyes. That, if I find out you interested in a novelist I don't know, for example, I might go and research that writer and then be able to have a conversation with you the next time we're together. Or if I know you like a certain kind of food, I might offer to prepare it for you sometime.
Part of the goal of this blog is to advocate for being more authentic with your relationships - particularly intimate romantic relationships, but I think that at least some of what I talk about could be applied to any relationship in your life. When we rely on games, power plays, lists of desired traits, stereotypes, and arbitrary rules to drive the way we handle relationships, we tend to cloud over who we actually are and what our deepest wishes and intentions might be. Obviously, it can be useful in a practical sense to, for example, have a list of desired traits or to have a set of dating rules to guide you, but all of that should really play a secondary role in my opinion.
What do you think?