Thursday, August 4, 2011

Talkin' Babies

I found this gem over at the blog Eflirt:

Fail: A few years ago I met this guy while speed dating. We had an awesome, flirty chemistry. On our third date, over dinner in a lovely restaurant, he told me he had done some soul searching and realized he was getting old. (Because 31 = the end of the world.) He wanted to settle down and have a baby. No really, he wanted to actually go back to my place and make a baby that very night.

As a bright sided kind of gal I tried to see this as a compliment, but I wasn’t really sure how to respond. Suddenly, out came a “NO WAY.” He didn’t seem pleased and began screaming at me and pointing at other (apparently more fertile) women whom he later propositioned to bear his child.

And you thought women were the baby crazy ones.

Wow! Not a pretty picture at all.

I have experienced tamer forms of this on dates before. One woman in particular stands out. We had a nice time out on our first date, and she invited me over to her house for the second date. Before your mind gets racing too much, she lived in a shared house with several roommates, a situation that was, now that I think about it, probably not terribly easy on her dating life. Anyway, we're in the kitchen cutting vegetables for the soup we are making together. The subject of having children comes up and she turns to me and says "I want to have a family soon. Actually, I want to have a baby. Yesterday."

Internally, I kind of went "uh oh."

And then I said something about wanting to establish a relationship with the other person before deciding about children. That I don't think rushing to have children is a good idea.

She didn't seemed fazed.

"I just know I want to have children really soon. I can feel the clock ticking. It's time."

She was 31 years old. I get it that the clock starts getting loud in your thirties, but she had almost the whole of her thirties left - hardly at crisis point.

Here's the other thing about that situation that bothered me. The more I talked with her, the more I felt like she was looking for a man to father a child first, and a partner second. Now, maybe that works fine for some people, but to me, it was a total turn off. Just as it was for the woman in the story above.

At the same time, I'm thankful my date said all that really early on. I didn't have to get into a relationship with her, and then find out her main intentions after a few months, when things might have gotten much more complicated.


  1. Ugh. Isn't it awesome how it's just assumed that dating -> commitment -> married -> babies? And any deviation from that is... deemed somehow wrong?

    Or that, when we don't want to commit to someone because cah-learly what they want is a baby first, partner-with-resources second, what else is there? - we're the bad guy?

    Boo hiss.

  2. What she said was aggressive and off-putting, definitely, but just to speak with empathy for her perspective, mid-30s is medically considered 'advanced maternal age.' With that a lot of risks crop up for both the mother and child. For example the probability of your child being born with Down Syndrome goes from about 1 in 1,250 for a woman who gets pregnant at age 25, to about 1 in 100 for a woman who gets pregnant at age 40. I think that for many women that age, they are blunt about wanting children for exactly the reasons you were thankful. You both had very different reasons to be in a relationship. You're right, at least it was clear before it got too complicated

  3. "just to speak with empathy for her perspective, mid-30s is medically considered 'advanced maternal age." Yes, this is fair.

    I still think, though, that even if someone is dead set on having babies in the near future, it's best to consider the timing of such conversations. Or, if you are doing online dating like we were, you state that up front and clearly in your profile. That way, anyone who is on the fence or not interested in children can steer clear.

  4. this is so strange, i thougth that women were the one wanting babies!!! this proves me wrong.