Monday, July 4, 2011

"I want to have a threesome..."



The letter from Evan Katz's current post reminded me of an experience I had with a women I dated briefly a few years back. Here's the relevant piece of the letter:

The man I am dating is very sexually advanced and needs extreme sexual experiences. He is a voyeur and likes watching people. We have been idle in the relationship for 2 years; he doesn’t want to move forward because I will not participate in a threesome. I have stood my ground and even tried to end the relationship, but he looks for me all the time and I fall back into talking to him. I finally told him I cannot participate in that, and that I don’t feel comfortable, and that maybe we should be just friends. At first he didn’t like it, but had to accept it. Now he calls me drunk and is very vindictive telling me that I messed up his life, because he planned to marry me, but needed me to be more sexually open.


So, I'm sitting on my bed making out with a women I had been dating for a few weeks. We had one of those lightning bolt connections - the kind of chemistry people always say they want, but which often ends up burning one or both people involved. My mother says this kind of nearly instant passion for a stranger is often about some psychological or spiritual wound you have meeting a similar one in the other person. Maybe you both were unloved by a parent. Or maybe you both were abused. Or both have used sex to cover up feelings of existential emptiness. The possibilities are endless, but the point is that the power of the connection isn't being driven by falling in love, but by an inner desire to heal something.

Anyway, we are on my bed, and she pulls away a little, looks me in the eyes, and says "I want to have a threesome with you and "so and so." Up until that point, I'm thinking "Wow. This is awesome. I love spending time with this woman. She's smart and funny and sexy and blah, blah, blah." You know how the mind runs when it's the beginning of something and you really like the other person. Mine was definitely running, but it had never ran to a place called "threesome" before.

You might be thinking, "Oh, come on. Guys love that kind of thing." But I don't. It's never been a fantasy of mine. I'm just not interested. The idea of multiples partners, whether as a one time thing or over the long term, just sounds messy to me. Really messy. It seems hard enough to be with one person, truly be with him or her, giving your all, let alone more than one. So, when those words came out of her mouth, I was stunned out of my dreaming about where "we" might be going together.

I can't recall how I responded exactly to her, but we ended up having a long talk about our sexual interests, which turned out to be quite different. She really wasn't into monogamy, and had some kinks I just didn't understand. Needless to say, I decided to end it soon after that. For three or four days, I tried to rationalize our differences there with the view that we connected so well in so many other areas of our lives. Which was true. But then she called me late one night and said "You wanna go see a porno with me," and whatever fire I felt for her went out. Completely. Everything had moved too fast, in a direction I didn't want, and I realized that although I'm somewhat unorthodox in how I view relationships, there's still a bit of old fashioned tucked in between these bones.

Had I stuck with her and built a relationship, odds are I would have been in a similar position as the woman in the letter above. Fighting about sexual differences. Disappointing my partner for not going along with her desires. Struggling to find a way to end it eventually. I'm basically of the view that it's better to end something quicker than to linger on and try to "fix" major differences or flaws in the connection. My first long term relationship had a number of such issues in it. We really weren't a good match, but because we were young, and it was going well enough, we stuck out for three and half years what probably could have been a two or three month experience. The thing is, the longer you are together, the more you start to rely on having the other person around. You become comfortable, even if it's a comfort in being miserable together. And trying to break the habit of being together is just so much harder than in the early stages, when you haven't formed that habit and developed that comfort yet.

3 comments:

  1. can you send her my way? :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. lol. i have no idea where she is now.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Searching for the Best Dating Website? Join and find your perfect match.

    ReplyDelete