On his latest post, Evan Marc Katz takes on the old cliche "Love happens when you least expect it." In my view, there is a bit of truth in this statement, but it's also really deceptive.
Evan points out that for many single folks, they've built a life that basically maintains that singleness. There's often little or no room for meeting someone new in the life of a single person. I can't tell you how many online dating profiles I have read that start with the lines "I'm a super busy woman. I work two jobs, go to the gym everyday, have a house to take care of, etc." Who wants to try and squeeze a into that? Evan goes on to say:
If you only go on a handful of dates a year, you’re not giving yourself much of an opportunity to find love. That’s not fair to you, and it’s unlikely to be successful in the long run.
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” – Ben Franklin.
It’s rare that love just appears when you aren’t expecting it. It’s not just women who believe this either; men fall for this story as well. I have had numerous people tell me those words “It’ll happen when you least expect it.” The problem is that it’s really easy to take that as meaning “I don’t need to do anything about dating anymore.” Which isn’t true.
My experience has been that a combination of putting in some effort on the dating front, and letting go of expectations, has led me into relationships.
When I’m too hung up on “finding the perfect someone,” nothing happens. I might go on a lot of dates, but they go nowhere. And I spend entirely too much time thinking about what date X said, searching profiles, or generally being distracted by anyone who might possibly be "relationship material."
And when I’m too swamped in “it’ll never happen” thoughts, nothing happens. I don't try at all, even when women might be showing interest. I get hyper focused on work, or other details in my life - anything to push off thoughts about my past dating experiences, and how things didn't work out.
Neither of those place is conducive to starting a healthy relationship. Nor are they signs of being a well adjusted single person who is happy with the life they have.
The thing with these “it just happened one day” stories is that they rarely contain the back story. What the people involved went through before stumbling into the person they fell in love with and/or married. Odds are that the majority of people involved in these narratives did their share of searching, breaking out of routines, reflecting on their lives, and whatnot before finally meeting that person.